SoOoOoOoOo....

I have another blog. It was supposed to tell my story but I guess my story is kind of long. Alot of stuff happens to me and I want to write it down. Not because I need to get it out of my system but just because I want to look back 20 years from now and say "Hey, that was who I was".

I don't know if I'll be proud of myself or rather the me I am now. I mean I hope I will. I guess I'm losing track here. It's just that sometimes is feels like I don't even know the person I was 2 months ago, or even 2 days ago.

I guess that's what being a teenager is about. Finding out who you are and I guess choosing who you want to become. But for me it just seems to be going the wrong way. Up until a year ago I knew exactly who I was, who I wanted to become and what I was going to do. I even knew how I was going to do it.

Then something happened to me. I don't know what. But all of a sudden everything I had and knew seemed meaningless. I don't know who I want to become. I don't know what I want to do but most of all, I don't know who I am. And that scares me.

I mean how can you not know who you are? You should know. I mean you live inside your body don't you? Well I do, for the most part.

You know how people talk about how doing things gives you clarity? How Life is the pursuit of Knowledge. I sort of get that. But not completely. I would spend my life just learning about things and why people are the way they are. The only problem is that I feel like if I do that then I'll end up learning about life and why it is instead of just living it.

Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. It's all connected you know? One thing just leads onto the next. Power Corrupts. Power C-O-R-R-U-P-T-S. What does that even mean?

I know what it means. Or rather what it's supposed to mean. It just seems like there's more to the corruption part. Are "tortured geniuses" corrupted? If they were it would explain a lot of stuff.

About how they ended up being who they were. What I don't understand is why we don't have any geniuses. It feels like we aren't going anywhere. We are but in retrospect, compared to other's in history, we aren't really doing anything.

Edison and his lightbulb, Grampbell with his telephone, Newton with gravity, Aristotole with all his astronomy, even Hipocretes and his medical oath.

All those people were geniuses but there were others. Van Gogh, Michael Angelo, Frost. None of those people really could totally live life. They pierced right to the core and then couldn't escape. There aren't a whole lot of those people but there are quite a few. Were they all corrupt?

They had this deep understanding of the world. It didn't make them happy. Or satisfied. My English teacher told me that poets and artists who see that deep into the world crave answers to questions. The thing is though, they realise that there are no answers. That's what drives them to their destruction.

In one sense I agree but I can't accept that there are no answers. Answers come if you look hard enough. It's not like they're hiding. You ability to find answers is dependant on your ability to think about stuff and analyse.

There isn't really a set formula to apply to life. There aren't any shortcuts or second-tries. But there are answers. There are reasons. People see what they choose to see. No matter how hard it is they stop looking at a certain point.

I think that's why knowledge corrupts. No one ever sees the whole picture. They just see one part. Sometimes people don't look beyond their part. No one really does look beyond their part. All those people. They didn't see the whole picture. They had their part and instead of just accepting it they focussed on it trying to get answers.

And to me that's what corrupted them. They couldn't see the big picture and it killed them that they couldn't. There are answers but no one, no matter how insightful, can find answers in an incomplete picture.

Personally I think we're better off without seeing the whole picture. So what if we aren't remembered? Atleast we lived. You know that people only remember bad stuff. That's why so many people are forgotten or left out of history.

Why record a happy ever after? Or even just normal. Everyone has normal. That's why no one cares about normal. But I care. I care enough that I'd go through life no looking past the small section of a painting my life is, just so I can find the truth in life. I won't find answers to questions. In that way I shall be a failure but all the sucess in the world wouldn't mean a thing if I couldn't celebrate them.