CoNfUsIoN

Today I was confused. This whole evening was just a total bust for me. It just about kills me to be confused. Well confused about myself. I can put up with being totally and utterly clueless as long as I understand myself. My life and who I am. It just sucks so much to not understand.

Like a friend of yours is dating a girl you know, (the friend is a boy), Why do you care if he's talking to you or not? He's not your boyfriend and you don't own him. Is it about winning? Or is it more than that?

And there's another guy who you who you wouldn't really call a friend but you sorta like him a bit. He's listening to Debussy while you're talking to him. Suddenly you HAVE to listen to Debussy again. Try and figure out why he likes it and next thing you know you've got Beethovan on your ipod. Just like BAM!

The weirdest of all is a guy you don't know that well. No complicated histories. No intimate disasters. Just a totally superficial, fun, friendship between two people of the opposite sex. Can you really have a real relationship with someone if you don't go through the dirty secrets of you past? It always feels like you're lying about something. As if you're pretending.

How does anyone do it? You can't bare your soul to everyone. You can't not shove it out there either. There's got to be a line where it stops being normal and starts being deeper. I've crossed the line so many times and shied away from it many more.

For me the worst part is that you can't pick up where you left off. Nothing is ever normal again once you cross the line. If you don't, then it just disentregrates. The friendship falls to pieces until you're left with this hollow excuse. It's like you're compelled to talk, make jokes, be nice but deep down, not even deep, just inside, under the surface. You know it's wrong. You know that it's a lie.

So who do you cross the line with? Your friend's boyfriend. Perhaps your ex-boyfriend. The guy you see at the store when you buy milk. Someone you could get to know but less than what you want. When does everything stop being superficial? Some stuff isn't ever superficial in the first place and I don't get how I'm supposed to distinguish. To know where it lies.

Too many times. Trying and trying and trying. There's good stuff but more than that is the bad stuff. Human error and human fault. You have to excuse it. Leave room for it to worm it's way out. A virus-type thing.

I don't like being confused. Too much stuff is grey when I need it to be black and white. Sometimes I can't deal with the shades of grey. I don't want grey. I don't want confusion. I want black and white. The stuff that's easy to decide on and you never ever have to look back and wonder because you're so sure about your decision.

What do you give up? Because there's so much left to be said. All the "What if"s just pile up, one on top of the other. Then. They topple and crush your unsuspecting mind. You have a sudden wave of self-doubt and uncertainty. Dealing with it is like an impossible task. It's too difficult. Too hard. Too confusing.

How can I deal with something so complex when I know there isn't an answer? So many questions and there are no answers. It's like silence. In the dark. The whole world doesn't exist because the darkness is smothering you. Threatening to engulf your entire soul. And it wins.

I can't fight the confusion. Just live through it