So NoW wHaT?

You know how some people say Imagine what it would be like getting everything you wanted? I think I've gotten it all. I mean I've published, stayed true to myself, become THAT person and those where the goals I set out to achieve. Now all I'm left with is: what now?

It's not supposed to feel like this, that much I know. Empty and lost and just nothing, it's WRONG. It's not that I'm heart broken or anything like that but it just feels like people are wanting more from me and I don't know what more to do.

The obvious assumption would simply be that I haven't gotten everything I want; it would be true. But I have achieved everything I think I can. Everything else is just not in my ability. I'm not amazing or talented, I've resigned myself to being this. This that's not amazing or spectacular or memorable. Just this that's here and that's it.

Where do I go from here if I'm just nothing more? It's not that I have nothing left. It's that I'm nothing more. As much as people would want to disagree half-heartedly and argue that I am capable of some much more, that there's so much potential left in me; I wouldn't know. Even if there is I'm not capable of handling anymore of myself.

I want to be in love and not be worrying about big things. I don't want to be serious and have to resign myself to just this. But it's what I can do; the only thing I can do. I have so many fantasies and dreams and while they are there, they aren't tangible, specific and achievable. I haven't made them real enough to be achievable.

Change the world Safs? How? How? How? What are you gonna do? When are you gonna do it? The simple answer? I'm not.

That dream husband and kids? Also not gonna happen. There's no one out there who can match me and love me and have me love him so now what?

Give up? But I can't do that either. That's the problem. I won't let myself just fail so I'm setting it up to be epic. What's left to do? I don't know. I don't know. I just don't know about any of it.

I want to be in love so I can escape for a few seconds into soppy thoughts and just feel okay about it. Fighting for everything is something I'm not strong enough to do.

Someone please find me.....

soon

“I’m not the cheating type” (Lies, all lies...)

I just did something that I’m sure is not kosher in any faith including my own brand of atheism. People always claim that guys are the dogs, always using girls and cheating and lying and generally causing a huge amount of extra baggage to be carried around by all of us. Well I just bucked that system in the most disgusting way and naturally I don’t feel too awful about it. There’s a guy, I know he likes me. And in the same way my crush mercilessly exploits this fact, so do I. I’m just a bit sneakier about it. But let’s start at the beginning.

You see I would’ve given him a fair shot; if he hadn’t told me that he wasn’t gonna wait forever for me. I mean hello? He likes ME but he’s all “I’m not going to wait for you” Actually it was more that I had a year-long chance to say yes. Puh-lease... anyway naturally I said no, he hadn’t even asked me out properly and I was head-over-heels in Guy (still am). Of course Guy doesn’t like me at all.

Instead of waiting for Guy I gave up that cause on and off for the last 6 months. But the thing is that this other guy tells me he’s in love with this girl from Jo’burg. He’d liked me like 3 months before and now he’s in love with a Jozi girl. Anyway that wasn’t an issue but my ego to a major blow.

So today, the day after valentines, I asked him what he’d do if I told him I liked him. His response was cute and kinda romantic enough to win me over for a short while. Until I needed to thresh out the practicalities of my new relationship (should I be getting tingles or something?). I mean we needed to look at how it was going to work, like what would happen if we broke up. He said we’d be friends unless I cheated on him.
I don’t like this guy, I like Guy. I want to go out with Guy, not this other guy. But I didn’t feel bad until I said that I wasn’t the cheating type – Because I am. Even if it isn’t physically (though it probably will be) I’ll still be thinking of Guy all the time. Well not all the time but you know, the important times.

I’m getting over Guy but still this isn’t the direction I should be heading. I’m gonna date and dump this guy while possibly cheating on him when I get skinny enough to get away with it, which will be soon. Then I can upgrade and be the slut I am.

Back to the problem...what do I tell my friends? This guy is not a loser but not a catch either. I can’t advertise this, especially with what I have in mind, but I need to tell someone!

The question is who? My two “bffs” barely know the guy and if I tell my confidante I’m gonna get judged harshly. But what the heck. None of them know him; he could be gorgeous for all they know. I’m not shallow but I’m not going to put up with a dead end personality, OMG I am so lame! I just asked him to go to a Uparty! A 2nd year uni student to a Uparty! OMFG...I’m going to go die quietly now...

HuGs AnD dRuGs AnD mOvIeS...excuse me, i need a drink

Damn, I really need to get wasted right now. I've never ever needed to be trashed before but crap it's been the suckiest day today.You see today was the day of the "Uparty" which was supposed to be a big deal until it wasn't...which was when I got there.

It was smelly and hot and crowded and so freaking akward it's not even funny. The thing about going to single sex, or any, school is that you only know a finite group of people. And everyone knows the same people. And when you have a problem and stop being friends, everyone else still knows that person and you can't escape them.

It's actually unbelievable. I mean I knew that it was going to be akward but I didn't anticipate anything close to what it was. There was a problem with me not talking to Y and then I was bummed because he didn't seem to care that much. And also because I flinched away and I think I probably went dead pale when he shouted at me.

Then of course there was S, which would have been an avoidable issue had D not aggravated the situation. Apparently there is still no love lost between him and I. S was hiding behind him! And then, by reflex, I tried to hide behind Az which wasn't particularly effective. I mean it was completely out of the blue. He was all "Hey Safura" And I was like "OMG hey!" and then he shoves - yes shoves - S toward me with a "Do you know S?" Bastard! That smug expression said it all. He knew exactly what he was doing.

And then to top it all off - in my sober state - I met the first guy who asked me out, the first no I gave as well. He looked completely different and was completely different. As much as the years have changed me that pales in comparison to him. He's really built, kinda good looking and has evidently matured a great deal more that me and a heck of alot more than D.

Of course it had to be the embarrassing "Do you remember me?" to which I just stared at him, I would have regconised him had he not told me! The dude is so different, I had to give him an up-down cause I really couldn't get over it. To shocked to make coherent conversation, I mean he was basically carrying the conversation though ordinarily I would have chattered away. He probably thought I was trying to chase him away - which I so was not - but I didn't know what to do, I mean I'm sure he had places to be...or not. The most memorable was when he asked me what I was doing after school and I said I didn't know, u? and he said "Psychology" Of course I was kind of surprised so I just blurted without thinking - as usual - "I like the way you just said that. Like Psychology. Very decisive" Or something along those lines.

Not the point, the point is that I made a fool of myself in a million ways tonight and they all went home thinking "OMG that bitch is a psycho" and in reverance that they don't have to speak to me again. Which is definately the impression I want to be making - not. I don't know what more I can do. I really am lost. I have about 2 and a half months to get a date for matric dance and heck, no options in sight. I should speak to Yousuf...

i'M nOt EnTiReLy SuRe ThEy KnEw WhAt ThEy SiGnEd Up FoR...

You know the saying “She only told me what I already know”? Well it’s usually used as a derogatory type of term but today, for me it had positive connotations. Today was one of those days where you sit back and say “Well that was the last day of the beginning” or “Well today is the end of the start of forever” or whatever philosophical musings take you. This is because today is unofficially the last day of matric for the class or 2008 which means it’s unofficially the last day of Grade 11 for the year below. I happen to be in the year below.

So today was quite long but I will not go into the long, pointless and frankly annoying descriptions of today’s events because they’ve been the same for the last 130 years and are likely to stay the same for just as long as it takes for the world to end. So this lady, Anne Trapido, was our guest speaker and I think sought to put the fear of reality [not god] in the prim and proper madams of Durban Girls’ College...I think she succeeded on the most part.

Her speech was basically about how she thought she needed to do something “worthy” with her life because of her totally uppity schooling but she ended up realising she hated it when she was 28 n then became a chef instead. That my friends, is my greatest and worst fear, but just as surely as I learnt to not follow the herd when compromising my beliefs, I’ve also learnt to not, not follow the herd just for the sake of it.

There are so many things I want to be, so many things I want to do and I don’t want to waste time because I might miss doing something else I wanted to do. I think I’d kinda thrown medicine waaaaaaaaay out the window and was vacillating between journalist and supremely awesome history teacher/music producer when this realisation dawned upon me; doing any of those would not be enough for me.

I want to change the world, in a meaningful, big way I want to change it. It isn’t good enough for me to watch people I taught become great because of me, I want to be great myself. I don’t care if I have fun while doing it or if I get to go undercover in some covert operations scheme behind enemy lines. I want to physically be helping people. I want to see the results I made happen and I want to be alive to see it happen.

So ladies and gentlemen I give you Dr Safura Abdool Karim, graduate of 2009

VouLeEeEe VoUsSsS!!!!!!! AhA! YoU kNoW wHaT tO dO!!!!

Do not let my partyish title fool you, there is nothing even remotely so childishly extravagant in the way I feel at this very moment, hard as that maybe to comprehend. For those of you who are of the later generation (like myself) and have no interest or appreciation of the era of music our parents gro0ved to (unlike myself), Voulez Vous was one of ABBAs most famous hits and currently on repeat in my itunes playlist. Anyway this entry actually has very little, if anything, to do with Swedish bands of the 60s and 70s (don't quote me on that time frame). It in fact is more self-absorbed and self-indulgent than the previous posts on my blog, which leads to the inevitable conclusion that this post is about, me, surprising huh?

Anyway back to the point or rather forward to it, when looking at my earlier posts there was a sense of, not only confusion, but also of unfulfillment and dissatisfaction and also of dissapointment in myself. For the past 3 years I've been trying to find that certainty and confidence in myself that somehow mysteriously vanished one day. Guess you could call me a late bloomer because everyone had long since entered and passed this stage of total confusion and disorienting lack of direction and purpose. Well the thing about being human is that we live for the present and things are able to change in the flash of a moment.

In laymans terms, I got my groove back.This isn't a movie or a book so there still isn't a complete and total conclusion with no gaps whatsoever. I still have no idea what I'm going to do after my senior year, which is looming scarily close, as in it starts in less than 3 months. This time next year I'll be eagerly anticipating the letters of acceptance from universities of my choice, if I ever manage to decide on a career let alone a university. Getting accepted is another story entirely.

But all the technicalities and practicalities aside, I realised today, in the flash of a moment, that I have become the person I wanted to be. Someone who not only has desires but also fulfills them despite the (very few though disheartening) odds against her. The opinion others have of me is actually irrelevant and friendships are not as crucial as they seem, though I don't think it is for the best that I become so clinically detatached and perhaps require the balancing of the two extremes. The thing is that I am calpable of achieving what I want when I know what I want. It's not a lack of trying that has hindered me for so long but rather a loss of purpose and seemlingly directionless pursuits.

Whether in small things or in great, I have achieved and continue to achieve, no longer a one hit wonder. I know that sucess is not to achieve but rather the continuation of achievement, for myself or for the greater good is of no relevance. We cannot find groundbreaking solutions to global problems everyday of our lives but we can all plant a tree, walk a mile or just smile at the sun. Basking or running, it is all an achievement and that achievement is to be content and to be happy.

LeT's WaStE tImE...cHaSiNg CaRs

If I lay here,

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me

And just forget the world?

Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol

Alot of people have heard the origional version of this song on the radio, it seems to play almost 12 times a day so it's impossible to miss, but yesterday I heard the acoustic version. Music can be polished to perfection and still people are touched by the rawness and sadness of the uncleaned truth. Without anesthetic as it were.

I guess it's kind of the same with life when you think about it. You can have the smarts, the athletisism, the looks and the world but sometimes that is not what should be envied. The simple joy of a smile can sometimes become a seldom used luxury by many. Love isn't necessary but to be loved is the most crucial part of anyones life.

The knowledge that someone wants you, even for the breath of a moment. A family, friends, a stranger who decides to smile at you for no reason at all. Sometimes all that one person could ever want is the simple acceptance afforded by a hug, a smile, even just a listening ear. For an hour, for a minute, for a lifetime, it's irrelevant, there is not a soul who doesn't want it but there are so many who could never understand how valuble it is to be loved. Some who could never understand the pricelessness of what they have, even if it isn't enough for them.

But it's not even the recieving of that love that you can recieve a gift beyond any kind of mere human worth, the acceptance of the love you give is a greater joy. The knowledge that your love is wanted, needed and treasured. So few people get that, even within their families. Why is it so hard it just express our love? It's taken as a given but every moment should be remembered and appreciated and reciprocated.

You do not make me who I am. If you had chosen not to love me I would still have existed but loving you and being loved has enriched my life and my soul, a soul.

FrOm ThE bOtToM oF mY bRoKeN hEaRt...PaRt 2

Recently I had my dance and it wasn't that big a deal. I mean it could have been but the guy I wanted to take said no, though he was going with his cousin. Whatever, irrelevant. Basically life is kind of random and my life just suddenly to the weirdest dip. My friend met Boy and well...liked him. Boy used to be my best friend and that's something I'd give anything to have back, it's not that kind of soppy friendship, it was solid, like we could just sit there and get each other, like we could help eachother find answers.

But that isn't what's important right now. My friend wanted to take him to the dance, I guess you could kinda call her my New Best Friend. I agreed to help her because she was my friend but also because I did want to see him. He doesn't have a cell phone or a house phone or any kind of internet acess, the only way to reach him was his mum's cell phone. I phoned her and to cut a long story short, I didn't get to talk to him, not one word. He didn't end up comming of course. But he did tell everyone in his grade that he was going with me but then his parents wouldn't let him...supposedly. It's highly doubtful. I just asked...he said I asked him (which I didn't) and they assumed he would go. Happy Ending huh?

Anyway lately I've been feeling kind of in love with him all over again, maybe it's just the rose-coloured glass of nostalgia but I dunno. It's been years since we even spoke, well last april was the last time we saw eachother. I guess memories are powerful. The thing is, someone once told me that your first love is something you never really get over. But the real question is, was I in love with him?

Maybe all people want is to be wanted. To know that in some small way someone cares for them, someone who loves them even though they don't have to. Someone who loves them because they chose to. And if noone loves us because they chose to, then it's kind of telling about you, as a person. I've never had someone love me that much, I'm not sure I ever will. But perhaps I can take heart from the fact that I am, and have been, loved by many people who chose to love me and definately always will be. The rest may come sooner or later or never at all but I have more than most and less than only some.