So NoW wHaT?

You know how some people say Imagine what it would be like getting everything you wanted? I think I've gotten it all. I mean I've published, stayed true to myself, become THAT person and those where the goals I set out to achieve. Now all I'm left with is: what now?

It's not supposed to feel like this, that much I know. Empty and lost and just nothing, it's WRONG. It's not that I'm heart broken or anything like that but it just feels like people are wanting more from me and I don't know what more to do.

The obvious assumption would simply be that I haven't gotten everything I want; it would be true. But I have achieved everything I think I can. Everything else is just not in my ability. I'm not amazing or talented, I've resigned myself to being this. This that's not amazing or spectacular or memorable. Just this that's here and that's it.

Where do I go from here if I'm just nothing more? It's not that I have nothing left. It's that I'm nothing more. As much as people would want to disagree half-heartedly and argue that I am capable of some much more, that there's so much potential left in me; I wouldn't know. Even if there is I'm not capable of handling anymore of myself.

I want to be in love and not be worrying about big things. I don't want to be serious and have to resign myself to just this. But it's what I can do; the only thing I can do. I have so many fantasies and dreams and while they are there, they aren't tangible, specific and achievable. I haven't made them real enough to be achievable.

Change the world Safs? How? How? How? What are you gonna do? When are you gonna do it? The simple answer? I'm not.

That dream husband and kids? Also not gonna happen. There's no one out there who can match me and love me and have me love him so now what?

Give up? But I can't do that either. That's the problem. I won't let myself just fail so I'm setting it up to be epic. What's left to do? I don't know. I don't know. I just don't know about any of it.

I want to be in love so I can escape for a few seconds into soppy thoughts and just feel okay about it. Fighting for everything is something I'm not strong enough to do.

Someone please find me.....

soon

“I’m not the cheating type” (Lies, all lies...)

I just did something that I’m sure is not kosher in any faith including my own brand of atheism. People always claim that guys are the dogs, always using girls and cheating and lying and generally causing a huge amount of extra baggage to be carried around by all of us. Well I just bucked that system in the most disgusting way and naturally I don’t feel too awful about it. There’s a guy, I know he likes me. And in the same way my crush mercilessly exploits this fact, so do I. I’m just a bit sneakier about it. But let’s start at the beginning.

You see I would’ve given him a fair shot; if he hadn’t told me that he wasn’t gonna wait forever for me. I mean hello? He likes ME but he’s all “I’m not going to wait for you” Actually it was more that I had a year-long chance to say yes. Puh-lease... anyway naturally I said no, he hadn’t even asked me out properly and I was head-over-heels in Guy (still am). Of course Guy doesn’t like me at all.

Instead of waiting for Guy I gave up that cause on and off for the last 6 months. But the thing is that this other guy tells me he’s in love with this girl from Jo’burg. He’d liked me like 3 months before and now he’s in love with a Jozi girl. Anyway that wasn’t an issue but my ego to a major blow.

So today, the day after valentines, I asked him what he’d do if I told him I liked him. His response was cute and kinda romantic enough to win me over for a short while. Until I needed to thresh out the practicalities of my new relationship (should I be getting tingles or something?). I mean we needed to look at how it was going to work, like what would happen if we broke up. He said we’d be friends unless I cheated on him.
I don’t like this guy, I like Guy. I want to go out with Guy, not this other guy. But I didn’t feel bad until I said that I wasn’t the cheating type – Because I am. Even if it isn’t physically (though it probably will be) I’ll still be thinking of Guy all the time. Well not all the time but you know, the important times.

I’m getting over Guy but still this isn’t the direction I should be heading. I’m gonna date and dump this guy while possibly cheating on him when I get skinny enough to get away with it, which will be soon. Then I can upgrade and be the slut I am.

Back to the problem...what do I tell my friends? This guy is not a loser but not a catch either. I can’t advertise this, especially with what I have in mind, but I need to tell someone!

The question is who? My two “bffs” barely know the guy and if I tell my confidante I’m gonna get judged harshly. But what the heck. None of them know him; he could be gorgeous for all they know. I’m not shallow but I’m not going to put up with a dead end personality, OMG I am so lame! I just asked him to go to a Uparty! A 2nd year uni student to a Uparty! OMFG...I’m going to go die quietly now...

HuGs AnD dRuGs AnD mOvIeS...excuse me, i need a drink

Damn, I really need to get wasted right now. I've never ever needed to be trashed before but crap it's been the suckiest day today.You see today was the day of the "Uparty" which was supposed to be a big deal until it wasn't...which was when I got there.

It was smelly and hot and crowded and so freaking akward it's not even funny. The thing about going to single sex, or any, school is that you only know a finite group of people. And everyone knows the same people. And when you have a problem and stop being friends, everyone else still knows that person and you can't escape them.

It's actually unbelievable. I mean I knew that it was going to be akward but I didn't anticipate anything close to what it was. There was a problem with me not talking to Y and then I was bummed because he didn't seem to care that much. And also because I flinched away and I think I probably went dead pale when he shouted at me.

Then of course there was S, which would have been an avoidable issue had D not aggravated the situation. Apparently there is still no love lost between him and I. S was hiding behind him! And then, by reflex, I tried to hide behind Az which wasn't particularly effective. I mean it was completely out of the blue. He was all "Hey Safura" And I was like "OMG hey!" and then he shoves - yes shoves - S toward me with a "Do you know S?" Bastard! That smug expression said it all. He knew exactly what he was doing.

And then to top it all off - in my sober state - I met the first guy who asked me out, the first no I gave as well. He looked completely different and was completely different. As much as the years have changed me that pales in comparison to him. He's really built, kinda good looking and has evidently matured a great deal more that me and a heck of alot more than D.

Of course it had to be the embarrassing "Do you remember me?" to which I just stared at him, I would have regconised him had he not told me! The dude is so different, I had to give him an up-down cause I really couldn't get over it. To shocked to make coherent conversation, I mean he was basically carrying the conversation though ordinarily I would have chattered away. He probably thought I was trying to chase him away - which I so was not - but I didn't know what to do, I mean I'm sure he had places to be...or not. The most memorable was when he asked me what I was doing after school and I said I didn't know, u? and he said "Psychology" Of course I was kind of surprised so I just blurted without thinking - as usual - "I like the way you just said that. Like Psychology. Very decisive" Or something along those lines.

Not the point, the point is that I made a fool of myself in a million ways tonight and they all went home thinking "OMG that bitch is a psycho" and in reverance that they don't have to speak to me again. Which is definately the impression I want to be making - not. I don't know what more I can do. I really am lost. I have about 2 and a half months to get a date for matric dance and heck, no options in sight. I should speak to Yousuf...