i'M nOt EnTiReLy SuRe ThEy KnEw WhAt ThEy SiGnEd Up FoR...

You know the saying “She only told me what I already know”? Well it’s usually used as a derogatory type of term but today, for me it had positive connotations. Today was one of those days where you sit back and say “Well that was the last day of the beginning” or “Well today is the end of the start of forever” or whatever philosophical musings take you. This is because today is unofficially the last day of matric for the class or 2008 which means it’s unofficially the last day of Grade 11 for the year below. I happen to be in the year below.

So today was quite long but I will not go into the long, pointless and frankly annoying descriptions of today’s events because they’ve been the same for the last 130 years and are likely to stay the same for just as long as it takes for the world to end. So this lady, Anne Trapido, was our guest speaker and I think sought to put the fear of reality [not god] in the prim and proper madams of Durban Girls’ College...I think she succeeded on the most part.

Her speech was basically about how she thought she needed to do something “worthy” with her life because of her totally uppity schooling but she ended up realising she hated it when she was 28 n then became a chef instead. That my friends, is my greatest and worst fear, but just as surely as I learnt to not follow the herd when compromising my beliefs, I’ve also learnt to not, not follow the herd just for the sake of it.

There are so many things I want to be, so many things I want to do and I don’t want to waste time because I might miss doing something else I wanted to do. I think I’d kinda thrown medicine waaaaaaaaay out the window and was vacillating between journalist and supremely awesome history teacher/music producer when this realisation dawned upon me; doing any of those would not be enough for me.

I want to change the world, in a meaningful, big way I want to change it. It isn’t good enough for me to watch people I taught become great because of me, I want to be great myself. I don’t care if I have fun while doing it or if I get to go undercover in some covert operations scheme behind enemy lines. I want to physically be helping people. I want to see the results I made happen and I want to be alive to see it happen.

So ladies and gentlemen I give you Dr Safura Abdool Karim, graduate of 2009

VouLeEeEe VoUsSsS!!!!!!! AhA! YoU kNoW wHaT tO dO!!!!

Do not let my partyish title fool you, there is nothing even remotely so childishly extravagant in the way I feel at this very moment, hard as that maybe to comprehend. For those of you who are of the later generation (like myself) and have no interest or appreciation of the era of music our parents gro0ved to (unlike myself), Voulez Vous was one of ABBAs most famous hits and currently on repeat in my itunes playlist. Anyway this entry actually has very little, if anything, to do with Swedish bands of the 60s and 70s (don't quote me on that time frame). It in fact is more self-absorbed and self-indulgent than the previous posts on my blog, which leads to the inevitable conclusion that this post is about, me, surprising huh?

Anyway back to the point or rather forward to it, when looking at my earlier posts there was a sense of, not only confusion, but also of unfulfillment and dissatisfaction and also of dissapointment in myself. For the past 3 years I've been trying to find that certainty and confidence in myself that somehow mysteriously vanished one day. Guess you could call me a late bloomer because everyone had long since entered and passed this stage of total confusion and disorienting lack of direction and purpose. Well the thing about being human is that we live for the present and things are able to change in the flash of a moment.

In laymans terms, I got my groove back.This isn't a movie or a book so there still isn't a complete and total conclusion with no gaps whatsoever. I still have no idea what I'm going to do after my senior year, which is looming scarily close, as in it starts in less than 3 months. This time next year I'll be eagerly anticipating the letters of acceptance from universities of my choice, if I ever manage to decide on a career let alone a university. Getting accepted is another story entirely.

But all the technicalities and practicalities aside, I realised today, in the flash of a moment, that I have become the person I wanted to be. Someone who not only has desires but also fulfills them despite the (very few though disheartening) odds against her. The opinion others have of me is actually irrelevant and friendships are not as crucial as they seem, though I don't think it is for the best that I become so clinically detatached and perhaps require the balancing of the two extremes. The thing is that I am calpable of achieving what I want when I know what I want. It's not a lack of trying that has hindered me for so long but rather a loss of purpose and seemlingly directionless pursuits.

Whether in small things or in great, I have achieved and continue to achieve, no longer a one hit wonder. I know that sucess is not to achieve but rather the continuation of achievement, for myself or for the greater good is of no relevance. We cannot find groundbreaking solutions to global problems everyday of our lives but we can all plant a tree, walk a mile or just smile at the sun. Basking or running, it is all an achievement and that achievement is to be content and to be happy.

LeT's WaStE tImE...cHaSiNg CaRs

If I lay here,

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me

And just forget the world?

Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol

Alot of people have heard the origional version of this song on the radio, it seems to play almost 12 times a day so it's impossible to miss, but yesterday I heard the acoustic version. Music can be polished to perfection and still people are touched by the rawness and sadness of the uncleaned truth. Without anesthetic as it were.

I guess it's kind of the same with life when you think about it. You can have the smarts, the athletisism, the looks and the world but sometimes that is not what should be envied. The simple joy of a smile can sometimes become a seldom used luxury by many. Love isn't necessary but to be loved is the most crucial part of anyones life.

The knowledge that someone wants you, even for the breath of a moment. A family, friends, a stranger who decides to smile at you for no reason at all. Sometimes all that one person could ever want is the simple acceptance afforded by a hug, a smile, even just a listening ear. For an hour, for a minute, for a lifetime, it's irrelevant, there is not a soul who doesn't want it but there are so many who could never understand how valuble it is to be loved. Some who could never understand the pricelessness of what they have, even if it isn't enough for them.

But it's not even the recieving of that love that you can recieve a gift beyond any kind of mere human worth, the acceptance of the love you give is a greater joy. The knowledge that your love is wanted, needed and treasured. So few people get that, even within their families. Why is it so hard it just express our love? It's taken as a given but every moment should be remembered and appreciated and reciprocated.

You do not make me who I am. If you had chosen not to love me I would still have existed but loving you and being loved has enriched my life and my soul, a soul.

FrOm ThE bOtToM oF mY bRoKeN hEaRt...PaRt 2

Recently I had my dance and it wasn't that big a deal. I mean it could have been but the guy I wanted to take said no, though he was going with his cousin. Whatever, irrelevant. Basically life is kind of random and my life just suddenly to the weirdest dip. My friend met Boy and well...liked him. Boy used to be my best friend and that's something I'd give anything to have back, it's not that kind of soppy friendship, it was solid, like we could just sit there and get each other, like we could help eachother find answers.

But that isn't what's important right now. My friend wanted to take him to the dance, I guess you could kinda call her my New Best Friend. I agreed to help her because she was my friend but also because I did want to see him. He doesn't have a cell phone or a house phone or any kind of internet acess, the only way to reach him was his mum's cell phone. I phoned her and to cut a long story short, I didn't get to talk to him, not one word. He didn't end up comming of course. But he did tell everyone in his grade that he was going with me but then his parents wouldn't let him...supposedly. It's highly doubtful. I just asked...he said I asked him (which I didn't) and they assumed he would go. Happy Ending huh?

Anyway lately I've been feeling kind of in love with him all over again, maybe it's just the rose-coloured glass of nostalgia but I dunno. It's been years since we even spoke, well last april was the last time we saw eachother. I guess memories are powerful. The thing is, someone once told me that your first love is something you never really get over. But the real question is, was I in love with him?

Maybe all people want is to be wanted. To know that in some small way someone cares for them, someone who loves them even though they don't have to. Someone who loves them because they chose to. And if noone loves us because they chose to, then it's kind of telling about you, as a person. I've never had someone love me that much, I'm not sure I ever will. But perhaps I can take heart from the fact that I am, and have been, loved by many people who chose to love me and definately always will be. The rest may come sooner or later or never at all but I have more than most and less than only some.

FrOm ThE bOtToM oF mY bRoKeN hEaRt...

"Never look back," we said

How was I to know I'd miss you so?

I've been missing him so much and I don't know what to do about it. I thought he moved on because he never cared as much as I did and he has but it hurts. It would be different if we were just friends without our long tangled up history. I don't even know how he sees me...I wish I could go back.

Loneliness up ahead, emptiness behind

Where do I go?

And now there's no one left for me. I mean all I have are my memories of him and the two who came after him. 3 in 5 years and none of them liked me. There's just nowhere to go anymore.

And you didn't hear

All my joy through my tears

All my hopes through my fears

Did you know, still I miss you somehow

Despite everything he's said and done I still miss him but he just doesn't see it. And when he does see it, he just takes it the wrong way completely. I wish you were here.

From the bottom of my broken heart

There's just a thing or two I'd like you to know

You were my first love, you were my true love

From the first kisses to the very last rose

The saddest thing is that I never got ANY of that, just...none of it. I wish I just had some idea of what it would have been like to walk under his shoulder because he wanted me near, instead of him slinging it around me cause I was like one of the guys.

From the bottom of my broken heart

Even though time may find me somebody new

The thing that worries me the most is that I won't find someone new. 3 years is a long time.

You were my real love, I never knew love

I guess you never do forget the first love you have, no matter what happens

'Til there was you

From the bottom of my broken heart

You promised yourself

But to somebody else

And you made it so perfectly clear

Still I wish you were here

I know that you didn't love me and probably never will but I can't seem to let it go. Maybe I can try. It is never to late to begin again and look for something that could be better than this. There's a mark you leave like a love heart carved on a tree...it stays for awhile, may fade till it's close to obscurity but it's still there and part of me and you.

"Never look back," we said

How was I to know I'd miss you so?

Missing you is manageble so let me move forward as you have. The future holds more for me

It'S bEeN AwHiLe...

So it has in fact been almost a year since I last posted, almost, but not quite. Alot has happened to me in the past alost-year. My sixteenth birthday has come and gone, as has my grade 11 dance and memories and dreams and hopes. Some dreams have been realised but more still have been dashed to the ground with total faithlessness. It may interest you to know that I have records, almost daily, of what my thoughts have been from January 27 till about June. This is all I have to offer as consolence for my prolonged absence. I had hoped to open these one-a-day starting next year but perhaps it is time I looked to the present rather than turning thoughts to the almost present-future.

However, before I begin to unlock the thoughts, and dark secrets of the past I would like to perhaps give you a bit of a heads up on the skeletons that will soon begin to emerge.I have done alot of stuff this past year that I am less than proud of. The worst of all my secrets is that I have been cutting myself. It stopped quite awhile ago but I still have the scars as reminders. I wrote an essay about it as a matter of fact. I'll put it on here when I get a chance.

There have been a couple more stunners that were most definately not expected but those, I think, can wait until a bit later. The last thing I will leave you with is that I am on the verge of becomming diabetic and in 3 months time I'll know what the rest of my life will be like. I'm hoping it will not be the course of perpetual insulin shots and pricking my finger. It will be hard but in three months, alot can happen.