FrOm ThE bOtToM oF mY bRoKeN hEaRt...PaRt 2

Recently I had my dance and it wasn't that big a deal. I mean it could have been but the guy I wanted to take said no, though he was going with his cousin. Whatever, irrelevant. Basically life is kind of random and my life just suddenly to the weirdest dip. My friend met Boy and well...liked him. Boy used to be my best friend and that's something I'd give anything to have back, it's not that kind of soppy friendship, it was solid, like we could just sit there and get each other, like we could help eachother find answers.

But that isn't what's important right now. My friend wanted to take him to the dance, I guess you could kinda call her my New Best Friend. I agreed to help her because she was my friend but also because I did want to see him. He doesn't have a cell phone or a house phone or any kind of internet acess, the only way to reach him was his mum's cell phone. I phoned her and to cut a long story short, I didn't get to talk to him, not one word. He didn't end up comming of course. But he did tell everyone in his grade that he was going with me but then his parents wouldn't let him...supposedly. It's highly doubtful. I just asked...he said I asked him (which I didn't) and they assumed he would go. Happy Ending huh?

Anyway lately I've been feeling kind of in love with him all over again, maybe it's just the rose-coloured glass of nostalgia but I dunno. It's been years since we even spoke, well last april was the last time we saw eachother. I guess memories are powerful. The thing is, someone once told me that your first love is something you never really get over. But the real question is, was I in love with him?

Maybe all people want is to be wanted. To know that in some small way someone cares for them, someone who loves them even though they don't have to. Someone who loves them because they chose to. And if noone loves us because they chose to, then it's kind of telling about you, as a person. I've never had someone love me that much, I'm not sure I ever will. But perhaps I can take heart from the fact that I am, and have been, loved by many people who chose to love me and definately always will be. The rest may come sooner or later or never at all but I have more than most and less than only some.

FrOm ThE bOtToM oF mY bRoKeN hEaRt...

"Never look back," we said

How was I to know I'd miss you so?

I've been missing him so much and I don't know what to do about it. I thought he moved on because he never cared as much as I did and he has but it hurts. It would be different if we were just friends without our long tangled up history. I don't even know how he sees me...I wish I could go back.

Loneliness up ahead, emptiness behind

Where do I go?

And now there's no one left for me. I mean all I have are my memories of him and the two who came after him. 3 in 5 years and none of them liked me. There's just nowhere to go anymore.

And you didn't hear

All my joy through my tears

All my hopes through my fears

Did you know, still I miss you somehow

Despite everything he's said and done I still miss him but he just doesn't see it. And when he does see it, he just takes it the wrong way completely. I wish you were here.

From the bottom of my broken heart

There's just a thing or two I'd like you to know

You were my first love, you were my true love

From the first kisses to the very last rose

The saddest thing is that I never got ANY of that, just...none of it. I wish I just had some idea of what it would have been like to walk under his shoulder because he wanted me near, instead of him slinging it around me cause I was like one of the guys.

From the bottom of my broken heart

Even though time may find me somebody new

The thing that worries me the most is that I won't find someone new. 3 years is a long time.

You were my real love, I never knew love

I guess you never do forget the first love you have, no matter what happens

'Til there was you

From the bottom of my broken heart

You promised yourself

But to somebody else

And you made it so perfectly clear

Still I wish you were here

I know that you didn't love me and probably never will but I can't seem to let it go. Maybe I can try. It is never to late to begin again and look for something that could be better than this. There's a mark you leave like a love heart carved on a tree...it stays for awhile, may fade till it's close to obscurity but it's still there and part of me and you.

"Never look back," we said

How was I to know I'd miss you so?

Missing you is manageble so let me move forward as you have. The future holds more for me

It'S bEeN AwHiLe...

So it has in fact been almost a year since I last posted, almost, but not quite. Alot has happened to me in the past alost-year. My sixteenth birthday has come and gone, as has my grade 11 dance and memories and dreams and hopes. Some dreams have been realised but more still have been dashed to the ground with total faithlessness. It may interest you to know that I have records, almost daily, of what my thoughts have been from January 27 till about June. This is all I have to offer as consolence for my prolonged absence. I had hoped to open these one-a-day starting next year but perhaps it is time I looked to the present rather than turning thoughts to the almost present-future.

However, before I begin to unlock the thoughts, and dark secrets of the past I would like to perhaps give you a bit of a heads up on the skeletons that will soon begin to emerge.I have done alot of stuff this past year that I am less than proud of. The worst of all my secrets is that I have been cutting myself. It stopped quite awhile ago but I still have the scars as reminders. I wrote an essay about it as a matter of fact. I'll put it on here when I get a chance.

There have been a couple more stunners that were most definately not expected but those, I think, can wait until a bit later. The last thing I will leave you with is that I am on the verge of becomming diabetic and in 3 months time I'll know what the rest of my life will be like. I'm hoping it will not be the course of perpetual insulin shots and pricking my finger. It will be hard but in three months, alot can happen.