VouLeEeEe VoUsSsS!!!!!!! AhA! YoU kNoW wHaT tO dO!!!!

Do not let my partyish title fool you, there is nothing even remotely so childishly extravagant in the way I feel at this very moment, hard as that maybe to comprehend. For those of you who are of the later generation (like myself) and have no interest or appreciation of the era of music our parents gro0ved to (unlike myself), Voulez Vous was one of ABBAs most famous hits and currently on repeat in my itunes playlist. Anyway this entry actually has very little, if anything, to do with Swedish bands of the 60s and 70s (don't quote me on that time frame). It in fact is more self-absorbed and self-indulgent than the previous posts on my blog, which leads to the inevitable conclusion that this post is about, me, surprising huh?

Anyway back to the point or rather forward to it, when looking at my earlier posts there was a sense of, not only confusion, but also of unfulfillment and dissatisfaction and also of dissapointment in myself. For the past 3 years I've been trying to find that certainty and confidence in myself that somehow mysteriously vanished one day. Guess you could call me a late bloomer because everyone had long since entered and passed this stage of total confusion and disorienting lack of direction and purpose. Well the thing about being human is that we live for the present and things are able to change in the flash of a moment.

In laymans terms, I got my groove back.This isn't a movie or a book so there still isn't a complete and total conclusion with no gaps whatsoever. I still have no idea what I'm going to do after my senior year, which is looming scarily close, as in it starts in less than 3 months. This time next year I'll be eagerly anticipating the letters of acceptance from universities of my choice, if I ever manage to decide on a career let alone a university. Getting accepted is another story entirely.

But all the technicalities and practicalities aside, I realised today, in the flash of a moment, that I have become the person I wanted to be. Someone who not only has desires but also fulfills them despite the (very few though disheartening) odds against her. The opinion others have of me is actually irrelevant and friendships are not as crucial as they seem, though I don't think it is for the best that I become so clinically detatached and perhaps require the balancing of the two extremes. The thing is that I am calpable of achieving what I want when I know what I want. It's not a lack of trying that has hindered me for so long but rather a loss of purpose and seemlingly directionless pursuits.

Whether in small things or in great, I have achieved and continue to achieve, no longer a one hit wonder. I know that sucess is not to achieve but rather the continuation of achievement, for myself or for the greater good is of no relevance. We cannot find groundbreaking solutions to global problems everyday of our lives but we can all plant a tree, walk a mile or just smile at the sun. Basking or running, it is all an achievement and that achievement is to be content and to be happy.

LeT's WaStE tImE...cHaSiNg CaRs

If I lay here,

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me

And just forget the world?

Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol

Alot of people have heard the origional version of this song on the radio, it seems to play almost 12 times a day so it's impossible to miss, but yesterday I heard the acoustic version. Music can be polished to perfection and still people are touched by the rawness and sadness of the uncleaned truth. Without anesthetic as it were.

I guess it's kind of the same with life when you think about it. You can have the smarts, the athletisism, the looks and the world but sometimes that is not what should be envied. The simple joy of a smile can sometimes become a seldom used luxury by many. Love isn't necessary but to be loved is the most crucial part of anyones life.

The knowledge that someone wants you, even for the breath of a moment. A family, friends, a stranger who decides to smile at you for no reason at all. Sometimes all that one person could ever want is the simple acceptance afforded by a hug, a smile, even just a listening ear. For an hour, for a minute, for a lifetime, it's irrelevant, there is not a soul who doesn't want it but there are so many who could never understand how valuble it is to be loved. Some who could never understand the pricelessness of what they have, even if it isn't enough for them.

But it's not even the recieving of that love that you can recieve a gift beyond any kind of mere human worth, the acceptance of the love you give is a greater joy. The knowledge that your love is wanted, needed and treasured. So few people get that, even within their families. Why is it so hard it just express our love? It's taken as a given but every moment should be remembered and appreciated and reciprocated.

You do not make me who I am. If you had chosen not to love me I would still have existed but loving you and being loved has enriched my life and my soul, a soul.