Just Listen...

Just Listen

Don't Think. Don't Judge.

Just Listen...

I cried today. I think for the first time in a really long time, probably like four years. Actually I did cry when Dumbledore died in Harry Potter 6. The first time I ever cried because of a book.

Well today was the second time I ever cried because of a book and this was seriously full-blown-crying-jag-record-breaking stuff. I don't think I have ever cried this much. Funnily enough I did cry about the book but not in the usual way. I mean that book was good. Not happy exactly, more like bitter-sweet. But that's not why I cried.

I cried because I am so similair to the main character it scares me. She isn't perfect and she isn't happy. She's figuring out stuff. Her life is complicated. She relies on music to get her through life. The only difference is I don't have a guy to be my friend and help me through it. Perhaps music dictates the pattern your life will follow.

I'm just so confused by everything she does. It's like her whole life is a lie because she doesn't want to face the truth and I kept wondering how no one noticed. I didn't understand how that could be possible. How can no one notice what's going on with you? Then I realised something.

No one noticed with me either. No one knows.

People just like to hide the truth, the pain, so that no one else has to deal with it. And also because they don't want to have to deal with it. It's just easier. Simpler I guess. Well that's the way it is for me.

I can be skeptical and cynical all I want about everything in this book but it all boils down to the fact that I'm ten times worse than her because I don't reform and I sure as hell don't have a guy helping me along the way.

The last guy I talked to, he called me Disturbed. He doesn't even know me and he called me disturbed. This other really good friend of mine got me in touch with a counsellor. Why do they do this to me?

Surely they know that I am not in need of medical or pyschiatrical help. I'm just a normal teenager experiencing life. I am not Disturbed. And even if I was, that would be my business. I wish people would just stop trying to make something I'm not. Especially because I haven't figured out who I am.

CoNfUsIoN

Today I was confused. This whole evening was just a total bust for me. It just about kills me to be confused. Well confused about myself. I can put up with being totally and utterly clueless as long as I understand myself. My life and who I am. It just sucks so much to not understand.

Like a friend of yours is dating a girl you know, (the friend is a boy), Why do you care if he's talking to you or not? He's not your boyfriend and you don't own him. Is it about winning? Or is it more than that?

And there's another guy who you who you wouldn't really call a friend but you sorta like him a bit. He's listening to Debussy while you're talking to him. Suddenly you HAVE to listen to Debussy again. Try and figure out why he likes it and next thing you know you've got Beethovan on your ipod. Just like BAM!

The weirdest of all is a guy you don't know that well. No complicated histories. No intimate disasters. Just a totally superficial, fun, friendship between two people of the opposite sex. Can you really have a real relationship with someone if you don't go through the dirty secrets of you past? It always feels like you're lying about something. As if you're pretending.

How does anyone do it? You can't bare your soul to everyone. You can't not shove it out there either. There's got to be a line where it stops being normal and starts being deeper. I've crossed the line so many times and shied away from it many more.

For me the worst part is that you can't pick up where you left off. Nothing is ever normal again once you cross the line. If you don't, then it just disentregrates. The friendship falls to pieces until you're left with this hollow excuse. It's like you're compelled to talk, make jokes, be nice but deep down, not even deep, just inside, under the surface. You know it's wrong. You know that it's a lie.

So who do you cross the line with? Your friend's boyfriend. Perhaps your ex-boyfriend. The guy you see at the store when you buy milk. Someone you could get to know but less than what you want. When does everything stop being superficial? Some stuff isn't ever superficial in the first place and I don't get how I'm supposed to distinguish. To know where it lies.

Too many times. Trying and trying and trying. There's good stuff but more than that is the bad stuff. Human error and human fault. You have to excuse it. Leave room for it to worm it's way out. A virus-type thing.

I don't like being confused. Too much stuff is grey when I need it to be black and white. Sometimes I can't deal with the shades of grey. I don't want grey. I don't want confusion. I want black and white. The stuff that's easy to decide on and you never ever have to look back and wonder because you're so sure about your decision.

What do you give up? Because there's so much left to be said. All the "What if"s just pile up, one on top of the other. Then. They topple and crush your unsuspecting mind. You have a sudden wave of self-doubt and uncertainty. Dealing with it is like an impossible task. It's too difficult. Too hard. Too confusing.

How can I deal with something so complex when I know there isn't an answer? So many questions and there are no answers. It's like silence. In the dark. The whole world doesn't exist because the darkness is smothering you. Threatening to engulf your entire soul. And it wins.

I can't fight the confusion. Just live through it

Uh-HuH

Yesterday I was thinking. The day before I was just rambling. Today, I'm just lost.

How can you rationalise what's irrational? I guess most stuff is actually irrational. Life, Love, Hate...Just anything human. Maybe that's why we are what we are. If we didn't have emotions everything would be less turbulent and confusing. There'd be peace on earth.

What I can't decide on is whether or not being emotionless is a good thing. It would be a good thing in some ways. No love, sadness, hate, jealousy, greed. The things that make our world, our lives, crazy and wrong. But there would be no compassion, love, happiness.

You know what I just realised? There wouldn't be any music. I don't think I could live in a world with no music. It's like this really important part of life, like the sun or rain. Totally necessary for survival.

I also realised something else awhile back but I didn't want to really admit it because I wasn't sure what it meant. We read Lord of The Flies this year and incase you didn't know what it was about I'll give you a short break down.

It's this story about these boys who have been stranded on an island in the future because their plane crashed. It's about how they survive. Well that's what it seems like but really it's about the idea that evil isn't an external thing. It's kinda inside of you and unless you accept it you can't fight it. Most people just put another face to evil rather than consider the possibility that it's inside of them.

Yeah, kinda crazy and admitedly I didn't really buy into it. To me it seems like they just ended up in circumstances that resulted in the events that followed. Acceptance was more important than anything else. Popularity I guess. Life hasn't really changed that much when you really think about it.

"Whatever is popular is wrong" - Oscar Wilde

That assesment is kinda harsh in my opinion.

"Avoid popularity: it has many snares, and no real benefit." - William Penn

You see that makes far more sense. Not that anyone can really avoid popularity. Well you can. I do. But it's kinda instinct to want to be popular because that means you've been accepted. Everyone wants to be accepted. Except me. I'm like genetically mutated or something. Whatever, not the point.

My origional point was that if evil is in us then we're evil. But we aren't. No one is. Who they are is a result of their experiences. Gosh getting off track here.

I don't think that there is a god. Well in a sense. Evil is externalised but maybe god is aswell. Maybe neither of those things are actually real. They're just who we are. Because to me they are just good and evil but not even that.

God isn't good. Or evil. It's just truth. And peace. The justice and rightness, like a consience. Not someone with a book looking at your deeds. Personally I don't think anyone in the entire universe would care enough to write down and keep track of all the bad and good stuff people did. I mean there are 6.3 billion people living on the earth plus all the others living on different planets. If there are any. So maybe there is a god. I don't know.

There aren't really ever any answers. That's truth.

ThInKiNg

So I've been thinking, which isn't really the smartest thing to be doing right now. Or at any point in time really. My mind isn't exactly the safest to venture by myself. Which is actually kinda weird when you think about it because nobody else can actually get into your mind except yourself so it would be impossible to go into it without being by yourself.

Anyway the point is that thinking is not usually a good thing to do. It's like I said before, people who investigate too deeply into stuff end up foucussing on one part and forgetting the whole. Then they go crazy. And usually die. By commiting suicide.

A future as a genius does not look healthy at all. Good thing I'm not one. This blog is evidence that I'm not because if I was a genius I would not be using crappy blog templates. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who can just pick up languages and spout them out in perfect sentences. If I could do that first I'd learn Html and then I'd learn mandarin. I'd fit latin in there somewhere.

Before I sat down to type this I kinda tried to give myself a pep talk of sorts. Let me just say that my pep talks SUCK so do not come to me if you want pep. Anyway I was kinda telling myself not to write the long pointless speel I wrote yesterday.

As you might observe, it isn't working.

So my day was sorta weird today. I spent alot of it in front of the tv but I wasn't really watching. It was just kind of an excuse. So that I wouldn't look weird for staring at nothing for hours on end not speaking. For some reason that sounds seriously appealing. It sounds kinda half dangerous half practical to do that. I just don't know if anyone else sees it like that.

I never ever fully understood why humans think. Things would be simpler if we weren't able to. We'd b boring and dumb but we wouldn't know anything else. As nice as it is to make the most of each moment there comes a time when instead of living you want to get more than that.

Not that I'm making any sense. I am officially tired. I mean I only came to write is because I've been a bitch to everyone I know and well...I'm not getting over it. How do u get over chronical bitchiness. Climb a mountain? Scream at the top of your lungs? Do you just keep it bottled up until you can't remember the bad anymore.

It's about balance. Everything is about balance. Blancing School and life. Right and wrong. Crazy or sane. Moving on and hanging on. All it takes is a leap of faith

SoOoOoOoOo....

I have another blog. It was supposed to tell my story but I guess my story is kind of long. Alot of stuff happens to me and I want to write it down. Not because I need to get it out of my system but just because I want to look back 20 years from now and say "Hey, that was who I was".

I don't know if I'll be proud of myself or rather the me I am now. I mean I hope I will. I guess I'm losing track here. It's just that sometimes is feels like I don't even know the person I was 2 months ago, or even 2 days ago.

I guess that's what being a teenager is about. Finding out who you are and I guess choosing who you want to become. But for me it just seems to be going the wrong way. Up until a year ago I knew exactly who I was, who I wanted to become and what I was going to do. I even knew how I was going to do it.

Then something happened to me. I don't know what. But all of a sudden everything I had and knew seemed meaningless. I don't know who I want to become. I don't know what I want to do but most of all, I don't know who I am. And that scares me.

I mean how can you not know who you are? You should know. I mean you live inside your body don't you? Well I do, for the most part.

You know how people talk about how doing things gives you clarity? How Life is the pursuit of Knowledge. I sort of get that. But not completely. I would spend my life just learning about things and why people are the way they are. The only problem is that I feel like if I do that then I'll end up learning about life and why it is instead of just living it.

Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. It's all connected you know? One thing just leads onto the next. Power Corrupts. Power C-O-R-R-U-P-T-S. What does that even mean?

I know what it means. Or rather what it's supposed to mean. It just seems like there's more to the corruption part. Are "tortured geniuses" corrupted? If they were it would explain a lot of stuff.

About how they ended up being who they were. What I don't understand is why we don't have any geniuses. It feels like we aren't going anywhere. We are but in retrospect, compared to other's in history, we aren't really doing anything.

Edison and his lightbulb, Grampbell with his telephone, Newton with gravity, Aristotole with all his astronomy, even Hipocretes and his medical oath.

All those people were geniuses but there were others. Van Gogh, Michael Angelo, Frost. None of those people really could totally live life. They pierced right to the core and then couldn't escape. There aren't a whole lot of those people but there are quite a few. Were they all corrupt?

They had this deep understanding of the world. It didn't make them happy. Or satisfied. My English teacher told me that poets and artists who see that deep into the world crave answers to questions. The thing is though, they realise that there are no answers. That's what drives them to their destruction.

In one sense I agree but I can't accept that there are no answers. Answers come if you look hard enough. It's not like they're hiding. You ability to find answers is dependant on your ability to think about stuff and analyse.

There isn't really a set formula to apply to life. There aren't any shortcuts or second-tries. But there are answers. There are reasons. People see what they choose to see. No matter how hard it is they stop looking at a certain point.

I think that's why knowledge corrupts. No one ever sees the whole picture. They just see one part. Sometimes people don't look beyond their part. No one really does look beyond their part. All those people. They didn't see the whole picture. They had their part and instead of just accepting it they focussed on it trying to get answers.

And to me that's what corrupted them. They couldn't see the big picture and it killed them that they couldn't. There are answers but no one, no matter how insightful, can find answers in an incomplete picture.

Personally I think we're better off without seeing the whole picture. So what if we aren't remembered? Atleast we lived. You know that people only remember bad stuff. That's why so many people are forgotten or left out of history.

Why record a happy ever after? Or even just normal. Everyone has normal. That's why no one cares about normal. But I care. I care enough that I'd go through life no looking past the small section of a painting my life is, just so I can find the truth in life. I won't find answers to questions. In that way I shall be a failure but all the sucess in the world wouldn't mean a thing if I couldn't celebrate them.