It's not supposed to feel like this, that much I know. Empty and lost and just nothing, it's WRONG. It's not that I'm heart broken or anything like that but it just feels like people are wanting more from me and I don't know what more to do.
The obvious assumption would simply be that I haven't gotten everything I want; it would be true. But I have achieved everything I think I can. Everything else is just not in my ability. I'm not amazing or talented, I've resigned myself to being this. This that's not amazing or spectacular or memorable. Just this that's here and that's it.
Where do I go from here if I'm just nothing more? It's not that I have nothing left. It's that I'm nothing more. As much as people would want to disagree half-heartedly and argue that I am capable of some much more, that there's so much potential left in me; I wouldn't know. Even if there is I'm not capable of handling anymore of myself.
I want to be in love and not be worrying about big things. I don't want to be serious and have to resign myself to just this. But it's what I can do; the only thing I can do. I have so many fantasies and dreams and while they are there, they aren't tangible, specific and achievable. I haven't made them real enough to be achievable.
Change the world Safs? How? How? How? What are you gonna do? When are you gonna do it? The simple answer? I'm not.
That dream husband and kids? Also not gonna happen. There's no one out there who can match me and love me and have me love him so now what?
Give up? But I can't do that either. That's the problem. I won't let myself just fail so I'm setting it up to be epic. What's left to do? I don't know. I don't know. I just don't know about any of it.
I want to be in love so I can escape for a few seconds into soppy thoughts and just feel okay about it. Fighting for everything is something I'm not strong enough to do.
Someone please find me.....
soon
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